1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here! 2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let’s go screw 3. Just call me milk, I’ll do your body good 4. Your body’s name must be visa, because it’s everywhere I want to be 5. [...]
Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There’s a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time. Patron: No, it’s still there. Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup; try eating it [...]
The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called “The Fission Chips.” On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack. A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring curry. A couple of kids tried using pickles [...]
Acronyms for International Airlines Italy ALITALIA = Always Late In The Air, Late In Arrival ALITALIA = Arrived Late In Turin, And Luggage In Australia ——————————————————————————– Britain BOAC = Better on a camel ——————————————————————————– Belgium SABENA = Such A Bloody Experience Never Again ——————————————————————————– Pakistan PIA = Please, Inform Allah ——————————————————————————– Yugoslavia JAT = Joke [...]
“Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P) = Problem (S) = Solution ——————————————————————————– (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement (S) Almost replaced left inside main [...]
1. BadAir: When you just can’t wait for the world to come to you. 2. BadAir: We’re Amtrak with wings. 3. Join our frequent near-miss program. 4. On flights, every section is a smoking section. 5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements. 6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin. 7. Are our jet [...]
9. E-mail flames from some guy named “Fluffy.” 8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 7. You find you’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip. 6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it… and a strange aroma of tuna. 5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of “CyberDog.” 4. Your [...]
From the Late Show with David Letterman – Friday, January 13, 1995 with revisions made by John Insor. 10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip. 9. Ask, “Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?” 8. After he describes each special, you shout, “Garbage!” 7. Whenever he walks by, cough [...]
You’ll Know It’s a No-Frills Airline If: They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back. You cannot board the plane unless you [...]
